Nov 16, 2009 |
by Annette Bridges. ©2009. All rights reserved.
I admit it. I’ve been a grudge holder. But I’m not proud to say so. Holding a grudge has never proven to be a good thing in my life.
Plenty of medical studies confirm grudge holding is not good for you — increasing stress, raising blood pressure, causing ulcers and producing a multitude of other harmful side effects. I suspect we all would admit to the lousy way we feel when we’re angry with another person.
I’ve never held a grudge toward someone that I’ve not eventually regretted.
Holding onto a grudge has generally proved to be the greatest waste of my time and I suspect caused me more grief than it did the person I felt injured by. I’ve never found holding a grudge to serve any good purpose, and it often has cost me a good friend. In fact, I’ve had friendships that never fully recovered, and for that, I’m sad and sorry that I ever let anything permanently hurt my feelings toward a friend.
When I think about where and how some grudges began, I usually can’t understand why I took offense in the first place.
Nineteenth century philosopher and author, Mary Baker Eddy, has a short writing she titled, “Taking Offense” that I’ve referred to when I’ve found myself feeling irritated by someone’s words or actions. She quotes English religious writer and philanthropist, Hannah More, in the opening paragraph: “If I wished to punish my enemy, I should make him hate somebody.”
Holding on to resentment, bitterness, hard feelings or hatred is emotionally draining and physically destructive. So why do we do it?
Once upon a time my defense for a grudge came when I felt a friend stuck her nose in where it didn’t belong. I not only didn’t want her opinion — I disagreed with it. And I guess my arrogance took precedence over patience and tolerance, and I lost a good friend. Another time with another friend, deep-seated hurt feelings led to my suffering with chest pains and headaches.
Eddy says we let pride, self-will and egotism cloud our reasoning and determine our reactions. But she wisely cautioned, “Well may we feel wounded by our own faults; but we can hardly afford to be miserable for the faults of others.”
We can’t be responsible for the behavior of others, but we are responsible for how we respond back to them. Every action we take has its consequence. And as with any action, we should think more carefully about the consequences before we act.
Of course, in any relationship there are times when honest and sincere discussions of feelings are needed. My grandmother advised me before I married to never go to bed mad. I’ve not always heeded her instruction, but I have tried. No doubt she got her wisdom from the Bible, “Let not the sun go down upon your wrath.” (Ephesians 4:26) And I’ve learned that this is good wisdom for all relationships — not just with my husband.
Eddy’s message in “Taking Offense” is helpful to those who feel someone has “wronged” them. She wrote:
“We should remember that the world is wide; that there are a thousand million different human wills, opinions, ambitions, tastes, and loves; that each person has a different history, constitution, culture, character, from all the rest; that human life is the work, the play, the ceaseless action and reaction upon each other of these different atoms. Then, we should go forth into life with the smallest expectations, but with the largest patience; with a keen relish for and appreciation of everything beautiful, great, and good, but with a temper so genial that the friction of the world shall not wear upon our sensibilities; with an equanimity so settled that no passing breath nor accidental disturbance shall agitate or ruffle it; with a charity broad enough to cover the whole world’s evil, and sweet enough to neutralize what is bitter in it, — determined not to be offended when no wrong is meant, nor even when it is, unless the offense be against God.”
Some say it’s human nature to hold grudges. Perhaps so, but even still, we always have a choice.
We can choose to brood, ruminate and rehash the details of how we’ve been hurt or disappointed by someone — torturing ourselves by playing the same scene over and over in our heads. Or we can implement a simple, ancient practice — the practice of forgiveness — and dismiss painful memories and move forward with our lives and our relationships.
Nov 16, 2009 |
by Annette Bridges. ©2009. All rights reserved.
Actually, I prefer to think of myself as a recovering over-reactor. But I admit that I do fall off the wagon from time to time. What happened a couple of days ago was a case in point.
I woke up in a state of exasperation. My week had been a busy one, filled to the brim with appointments, meetings and unfinished tasks. Never mind that I created and even desired most of the activities on my agenda. I couldn’t get past the irrational feelings of irritation and aggravation that I didn’t have enough time to do all that I thought I had to do.
So the fact that I was running late to my hair appointment and leaving my dirty house and piled laundry behind was more than I could handle. The car in front of me which I was certain was going at least 20 miles below the speed limit didn’t help matters either.
I ranted and raved most of the way to the beauty shop. Fortunately, I wasn’t alone with my inconsequential and insignificant ranting. My daughter was with me and, thankfully, soon became my needed voice of reason.
She calmly pointed out that everything I was stressing over was easily fixable and could be corrected — maybe not all that very day, mind you, but all doable nonetheless.
She emphasized that my getting all worked up was blowing everything out of proportion and was not going to help me accomplish what I needed and wanted. She was right, of course. I knew this. But the “Drama Queen” in me needed to be reminded.
I learned long ago that making a mountain out of a molehill only resulted in one thing — a big deal being made out of a minor issue. And whenever I made “mountains,” I made things more difficult than they had to be.
A couple of years ago, I recall a newspaper column titled, “Don’t sweat the small stuff when so much else matters.” It turns out that most of what makes me sweat is all very small when proper perspective takes over my sanity.
Most days I ask myself — “Will I remember a year from now what is driving me crazy today?”
Do you think I can tell you which days last year I was late for my hair appointment? Or which days my house was dirty or which days I got behind on my laundry? Of course I can’t! And why can’t I? Because these kinds of things are small stuff in comparison with the grander things that make up my life and my treasured memories.
I do try very hard not to waste time and energy getting upset over things that weigh not one iota among the things that do matter most to me. And I can promise you that the only thing that over-reacting achieves is wasted time and needless misery.
I find comfort in remembering the words of the Master, “Let not your heart be troubled” (John 14:27) and the Psalmist, “Fret not thyself.” (Psalms 37:7) These words of wisdom usually help redirect my focus and bring calm to my irrational emotions.
I remember when Jesus calmed the storm at sea saying, “Peace, be still.” (Mark 4:39) And his healing message also calms what seems like a storm brewing in my weary mind. I find my center again — no longer caught up in the minutiae of a frantic moment.
I hope my confession is helpful to you, my friends. Life can have enough drama in it at times without us adding more to it. Besides — sweating too much over the small stuff will keep you from experiencing and enjoying what is really important to you. And if you’re like me, you don’t want that!
Nov 16, 2008 |
by Annette Bridges. ©2008. All rights reserved.
Do you believe this?
Usually on Christmas Eve, my family watches the movie, White Christmas, but this year we opted to change our tradition and watched Frank Capra’s legendary It’s a Wonderful Life. Honestly, it had been years since I had seen this inspiring movie.
The story focuses on the desperate and despondent George Bailey played by James Stewart. As you may recall, George mistakenly believes that those he loves will be better off if he were dead, and while contemplating suicide, he even asserts that it would be better for his friends and family if he had never been born.
Fortunately, George has a guardian angel who comes to his rescue and illustrates what the lives of his loved ones and his entire town would have been like if he had never been born. And it’s not good! It turns out that George made the lives of those in his town “wonderful,” and without him people he cared about would either be dead, ruined or miserable.
In one example that illustrated the connectedness of our lives, George saved his younger brother from drowning in childhood, which led to his brother saving the lives of hundreds during World War II. The angel shows George that if he had never been born, his brother would have drowned and hundreds of people would have been killed in the war because his brother would not have been there to save them.
As I think about the new year that is upon us, this movie has reminded me how united and conjoined our lives are to one another — that your life and mine are important and matter to those around us. And I am pondering how my life can indeed make a more positive difference to others during the year ahead.
Imagine the paradigm shift if everyone understood the impact of their actions and words. I cannot help but think that if we believed what we say and do really “matters,” we would destroy apathy and foster empathy and compassion, turning inaction into effective, healing acts.
The movie, It’s a Wonderful Life, beautifully demonstrates the importance of our lives and how we have the potential to make a great difference in the lives of everyone with whom we meet and interact.
Jesus taught the importance of each one of us in his parable of a hundred sheep. He asked, “What man of you, having an hundred sheep, if he lose one of them, doth not leave the ninety and nine in the wilderness, and go after that which is lost, until he finds it?” And he continued, “And when he hath found it, he layeth it on his shoulders, rejoicing. And when he cometh home, he calleth together his friends and neighbours, saying unto them, Rejoice with me; for I have found my sheep which was lost.” (Luke 15:4-6)
Truly each of us is precious in His sight — equally important, needed and necessary! Not one is expendable. By our very existence, we make a difference in the world. With every word we speak and every action we take, we impact those around us for better or for worse. Our opinions, beliefs and prayers affect those we embrace in our thoughts. Indeed, we each have the power to make a positive difference in the lives of others.
The life of George Bailey is an example of how we make a difference in the lives of everyone around us whether we believe we do or not. But imagine the possibilities when we understand that we do make a difference and that we want that difference to be good.
Therefore friends, if you take the words of Mahatma Gandhi to heart and resolve to “Be the difference you want to see in the world,” what a wonderful New Year this will be!
Nov 16, 2008 |
by Annette Bridges. ©2008. All rights reserved.
How do you define yourself? As a mother, daughter, wife, husband, dad, or a son? Or perhaps as a student, teacher, manager, farmer, salesman?
Every day you create your own self-portrait. You name the image you see in the mirror and assign various qualities and attributes that you think go with your title. Then you act accordingly.
Your picture may be influenced by others’ perceptions, however, or by what you believe others think about you or expect from you. And you are likely to allow past experiences — your failures and successes — to further dictate and determine your abilities and your limitations.
What happens when your profile changes? Your kids are suddenly grown and move away from home. You get laid off from your job or you reach mandatory retirement. Your marriage ends in divorce or a spouse passes on.
Nothing can be more daunting than trying to reconfigure yourself, reinvent your life, and redefine your future — especially when the task arrives unexpectedly.
A new year is upon you. You must make a new beginning. Your old narrative no longer fits. You’re standing at a new road titled “self-discovery,” but reluctance, fear and lack of confidence is keeping you from moving up a street you’ve never been on. You are either unwilling to give yourself an overhaul or you’re clueless how to begin.
But perhaps what’s needed isn’t about defining a new you but rather discovering the true you — your identity as created by your heavenly Father.
This kind of self-discovery results in learning more about your “true” nature as it is divinely intended — without human conjecture, opinion, or critique.
There’s a phrase in the Bible that has given me a glimpse of how God views His children: the “…dearly beloved and longed for…” (Philippians 4:1) Thinking of myself as God’s dearly beloved and longed for helped me begin a new career when a former job of eight years ended. This was also at the same time my only child left for college.
Knowing I was the beloved of the Lord made me certain God only wanted good for His child. And the idea that God longed for someone like me assured there was still a purpose for my life, even though at first it was difficult to imagine myself doing something new and different.
It turns out the mirror can’t tell us about the image and likeness of God — that’s you and me, by the way. (Genesis 1:27) Only by learning more about God and His nature can we understand our own identity as created in His image and likeness.
As you become in touch with your true spiritual nature, nothing is beyond your means. You get a sense of your unlimited potential. You understand that your purpose never ends because it is ever being defined and directed by your Creator. And you can approach each moment with the knowledge that it contains within it, the potential for any number of possibilities.
Indeed, you can begin the New Year with a new you or rather with knowledge of the true you — the “you” that is always seen in His eyes. And this knowledge can change your life — again and again.
Nov 16, 2008 |
by Annette Bridges. ©2008. All rights reserved.
There’s something about Christmas that has always brought dreams of all that I longed and hoped for.
And it seems I’m not the only one who’s had Christmas dreams. Clara dreamed of her Nutcracker Prince coming to life. Children had visions of sugarplums dancing in their heads. And others dreamed of home and a white Christmas. And everyone undoubtedly hopes the dreams they dare to dream today will come true!
Twenty-nine years ago Karen Carpenter sang words that resonated with my girlish dreams: “Merry Christmas, darling. We’re apart, that’s true. But I can dream and in my dreams I’m Christmasing with you.”
Even though I had not yet met my darling, I remember trying to imagine him — along with the day we would meet.
It was a “different” holiday season for me that year. My mother had remarried, and suddenly all of our family traditions were changed. I came home from college, only to leave again with my mother and her new husband to spend Christmas at his mother’s house along with his children.
It was Christmas Eve. Everyone had gone to bed, and I was trying to sleep on the sofa in front of the Christmas tree. I had just nestled in for the long winter’s night when the Carpenter’s song played on the radio.
I pondered how different this Christmas was from the previous year that I had spent mostly with my boyfriend’s family. We had broken up since then, and once again I was dreaming of when I would meet the man of my dreams.
Christmas in any age brings the promise of dreams fulfilled. I can’t think about the coming of the promised Messiah without being encouraged and strengthened by hope and grand expectations. So my dreams for love in my life were grounded in the knowledge that God’s unconditional and boundless love for His children could not help but mean my life would be filled with love.
I was learning to accept my mom’s marriage because I yearned very much for her to be happy, and I certainly wished her life to be filled with love, too.
Granted, I knew companionship and love could be expressed in many ways — not only in the form of a husband. Since the break-up with my boyfriend, I was rekindling friendships I had neglected, trying to be a good “big sister” to younger dorm mates, spending more time with family members and doing community service. So I wasn’t feeling lonely.
That Christmas Eve I was not merely longing for the day I would meet my dream man but looking forward to that day — a day I felt was soon to come. My dreams were packed with conviction and confidence.
One lesson I had learned well taught me that expectation of good enables one to recognize good when it appears. That same lesson taught me when one is gloomy and depressed, it is possible to miss the good that may be right in front of you.
I was quite certain that our heavenly Father promises our dreams will come true. Maybe not always in the exact way we imagine but always better than we dream. This is, of course, because God’s plan for good is always grander than our often limited vision.
I did meet the man of my dreams about six months later. And we met in the most unexpected way and moment. I could never have dreamed it! By Christmas Eve, we were announcing our engagement. That was twenty-eight years ago this year!
Don’t give up on your dreams, my friends. Keep your faith strong and certain. Change is sometimes needed in order for the best to come along. May all your Christmas dreams come true this Christmas and the whole year through.
