Nov 17, 2010 |
by Annette Bridges. ©2010. All rights reserved.
Not only have I usually been my toughest critic, I have also been one of those women who has been equally critical of other women. After reading some of the negative movie reviews of Eat, Pray, Love, I find there is no shortage of women who are harshly critical of other women.
I decided some time ago that I didn’t want to be this kind of woman anymore. And I wish more women would make the same decision.
The most common criticism of the movie and book heroine is that she whines too much or she is too self-absorbed. Some assert that she has no reason to be unhappy.
The book, Eat, Pray, Love, is not fiction. It is one woman’s real life journey to find herself. It could also be called a journey of self-healing or the quest to find balance in life and love.
I think the story resonated with me because of my own feelings that there must be more to life than what it has been so far. It’s not that I’ve been unhappy. For one thing, I’ve been very happily married for almost thirty years. But there have been career choices that I have regrets about. And now that I’m in my 50’s, I’m rather consumed with the desire to experience and see all the things that have been put off for someday in the future.
I was impressed by the courage and audacity of the author to set out on a journey to find answers to some of the same questions I have. I was a cheerleader in her corner as I read her book and was excited to follow her example as I watched the movie version of her story.
There are no villains in her journey, other than her own potential to self-destruct. I’ve been disturbed by those who have ridiculed her honest and sincere desire to be happy with her life with a fuller understanding of its purpose, potential and possibilities. I don’t understand why some have seen this as something worthy of ridicule.
Yet, I know I’ve done the same in the past. And in my case, I finally concluded that such behavior was narrow-minded and self-righteous. And I no longer wanted to be a woman who was holier-than-thou and smugly virtuous in my judgments of others. And believe me — sadly — this does describe some of my past judgments!
And like I said, I believe women are often women’s worst critics. We have a tendency to be intolerant of the opinions and behavior of other women.
We need more empathy, my friends!
It’s no easy undertaking to put oneself into another’s situation or position in an effort to better understand. In fact, it may be pretty much impossible to do that. And this point is probably something that women critical of other women should consider — or at least recognize.
We don’t know the whole story of our fellow women. All we know is what they tell us and what is in our sight. We do not know every detail of their situations or the depth of their feelings.
So when I say we need more empathy, dear women, this means we need to give more respect to other women. We need an appreciation of and compassion for their lives.
It doesn’t matter whether or not we think we agree with them or think we would never do the same. We don’t even have to agree to disagree.
Why do we feel the need to have any opinion about another’s life?
I admit it is a tall order to stop judging others. I have not mastered this desire entirely myself. But that doesn’t make my desire less sincere and genuine.
Jesus explained it best. “Do not judge others, and you will not be judged.” In other words, “Don’t pick on people, jump on their failures, criticize their faults — unless, you want the same treatment. Don’t condemn those who are down; that hardness can boomerang. Be easy on people; you’ll find life a lot easier.” (Luke 6:37)
And that is the truest fact of all. The less I judge, I find that life is not only easier, but happier and more satisfying.
We’re all on a life-long journey to discover ourselves. Undoubtedly, we have much to learn. My hope is that we can eat, pray and love without criticism of ourselves or of others. This is going to require a lot more loving and a lot less judging!
Nov 17, 2010 |
by Annette Bridges. ©2010. All rights reserved.
Recently, I was listening to my mother read about the healing of the man by the pool of Bethesda. (John 5:1-9) I’ve read this account many times before. Perhaps you have as well. But it occurred to me as I heard his story yet again, that I’ve never given this man enough credit.
In fact, I’ve even ridiculed him for giving excuses when Jesus asked him if he wanted to be healed. I’ve thought, “Just say yes to the question, man! Jesus doesn’t want to hear all your complaints and excuses.”
If you’re not familiar with this story, many people believed that if you were the first person into this pool at a certain time, you would be healed of whatever your problem was. Apparently, this man had been ill for thirty-eight years. And he spent those thirty-eight years trying to be the first one in.
That’s when it hit me. He never gave up the wait. So maybe he was frustrated at times when others beat him into the water — thus his long answer to Jesus’ question. Still, his hope, his persistence, his effort, his expectation, didn’t disappear and diminish because of years of anguish. He was still waiting for his healing, even after thirty-eight years.
Undoubtedly, Jesus saw this man’s great faith, and he healed him. And the man learned he could be healed without getting into the pool!
I can’t even imagine what it would feel like to be faithfully waiting for something or someone for such a long time. How do you not become discouraged, downhearted or depressed? How do you not lose hope? How do you not give up and quit trying or waiting?
As I ponder this healing account, the answer seems fairly straight forward and could maybe even be described as simple – keep your faith.
It seems to me that the secret for maintaining hope is to keep our faith in reaching our goals and dreams strong and unwavering. I think the man by the pool of Bethesda would have waited another thirty-eight years if he had had to.
I would love to have that kind of faith! There have been many times when I didn’t get the answer I was hoping for quick enough, and I became disappointed and depressed and pretty much conceded defeat. I can’t help but wonder now what might have been if I had not given up.
My mother is like that man by the pool of Bethesda. At least she seems to have his kind of faith. No matter what kind of trouble her children get into or what kind of problems they have, her faith in them remains invincible. Nothing or no one could ever make her believe her children can’t overcome whatever it is that needs overcoming.
I suspect many — if not all — parents are like this. I certainly know I would never give up on my daughter and her dreams! I have no doubt whatsoever that she can accomplish whatever she sets her sights on. My faith in my daughter is also invincible.
I’ve seen dads giving encouragement to their child when it was their turn to bat. And I’ve seen moms confidently and courageously attend to their child’s injuries when they fell off their bike or got stung by a bee.
Parent’s faith in the well-being and success of their children would never diminish just because their children face a difficult struggle. No, that’s probably when the parent’s faith increases and grows even stronger and more resolute.
Perhaps we could all have more faith in ourselves. I admit I’ve reached a time in my life when I don’t have the same faith in my own goals and dreams as I once did.
One thing does seem very clear to me now. Disappointment and discouragement will lead us to defeat. So surely, the only way to success, healing and progress is confidence, persistence, courage and encouragement — faith.
We need to have the same confidence in ourselves that we have for our children. And we need to give ourselves the same encouragement as we give our children.
So how long do we wait — or have faith? The answer again seems simple. For as long as it takes!
Nov 17, 2010 |
by Annette Bridges. ©2010. All rights reserved.
Blame can be contagious — a conclusion reached by a recent study published in The Journal of Experimental Psychology. This was no surprise to me, since we live in a culture of blame and see “blame” played out in the news every day.
I dare say we’ve all pointed fingers at some point in time to a person, place or thing as an excuse for our misery or a problem. And whether or not you or I believe we were justified in that blame doesn’t matter.
In the book of Genesis, we read that Adam blamed Eve when the Lord confronted him about eating the fruit he had been told to stay away from. (Genesis 3:12) But did Eve cram the fruit in his mouth? Did she force him to eat it? At least Eve told the truth and owned up to her mistake. Adam made a choice as surely as Eve did!
If we are ever going to learn to be good problem solvers, then we need a shift from finding fault to taking responsibility.
Pointing a finger is a way to pass the buck in an attempt to protect our own self-image perhaps — another finding in the study. Yet blame becomes an excuse, a justification, a defense — a bad habit — and keeps focus away from making the effectual changes that solve a problem.
“The dog ate my homework” excuse doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do your homework. Whether the excuse is truth or lie is inconsequential. Either you get your homework completed and turned in for a grade or you get a zero. The consequence is going to be the result of the choice you make.
Noted Jewish-American trial lawyer, Louis Nizer once said, “When a man points a finger at someone else, he should remember that four of his fingers are pointing at himself.” We must sooner or later own up to our own mistakes and learn the lessons needed to not repeat them. Maybe the dog really did eat our homework, but maybe we left our homework on the floor in the first place.
But again, where the fault lies is not of immediate importance. What matters most — or at least first and foremost — is what we do to correct and resolve what needs fixing. We must get our homework done even if we have to start over from scratch!
Getting trapped in a cycle of blame distorts objectivity, clouds reason and almost always results in a power struggle. Problem solving demands respect for other viewpoints, along with a recognition that there is not just one way to reach a solution. So we must break the blame chain in order to make any needed changes.
We need to move beyond the “It’s not my fault” victim mentality and imbibe the humility, grace and courage to do whatever it takes to accomplish change, progress, and success. As long as we think of ourselves as victims, we remain so and accomplish little or nothing.
Parents often blame their child’s teachers, friends, television or music for a behavior problem or for a learning difficulty. And they often blame themselves and ruminate over what they have done wrong. Again, the problem with all the blaming is that it takes the attention and focus away from where it should be — on the child and meeting the child’s needs.
My approach to teaching as a public school teacher and as a homeschool teacher was the same. I believed that anything could be learned. If my children were failing or having difficulty mastering a skill or subject, then it was the teaching method that needed to be changed to better meet the child’s learning style and needs. It wasn’t that the children were dumb or incapable of learning. It wasn’t that I was a bad teacher. The solution was to adapt and continue to try a new approach until mastery was achieved.
Opportunities are available, and success can be reached. The road may appear easier or faster for some than for others. It may or may not be fair. Some may have more hurdles to overcome. So be it. I’ve often said and proven in my own life, difficult does not mean impossible.
There is much that needs fixing in our country and world today. My prayer is that we stop playing the blame game. Stop the excuse making and start problem solving. Nothing is so hard that it can’t be done. When we open our hearts and minds to believe that anything is possible, solvable and attainable, then it will be so.
Nov 17, 2010 |
by Annette Bridges. ©2010. All rights reserved.
My husband and I spent the afternoon in a dark air-conditioned movie theater, while another friend said she and her spouse spent the day floating in their pool. Both are good reprieves from a hot scorching sun.
This is summertime in Texas. I don’t even head to the beauty shop without an ice chest packed with something cool to sip on.
Like my snowbird friends who head south for the winter, we sunbirds head to the hills in search of a cool mountain breeze. Our August trip to Colorado will be a much welcomed respite from the unrelenting heat.
It’s not only sizzling in my neck of the prairie — we’ve gone over 25 days without a soaking rain shower. Dry, dusty days means my house is dirty. And the steamy weather is giving me an “I don’t care” chip on my shoulder.
Instead of cleaning house yesterday, which was my original intent, I spent much of it napping with my dachshund on the sofa under a ceiling fan — I might add — and watching DVDs. This is another pleasant intermission from sweltering temps.
My birthday is coming up, and I told my mom all I want is homemade ice cream. And I gave my daughter my DVD wish list. Now that’s a great way to spend an afternoon when the temperatures are miserably roasting — watching movies while eating homemade ice cream!
And when I can’t have ice cream, I’d settle for a chilly slice of watermelon to take the sweat off my brow. Or a cold glass of lemonade or sweet tea would go down mighty nice, too.
I’m expecting to get my stack of new books read this summer. When it’s simply too darn hot outside to worry about my flowers anymore, reading books is my relief plan.
Of course, there will be days when I must do some shopping. This will entail parking in the covered parking lot no matter how long I must vulture for an open spot. And this will mean going to one of the few indoor air-conditioned malls that remain near me. Whoever had the not-so-bright idea to build all of these outdoor shopping centers has never lived in Texas!
But whoever coined the phrase — “Christmas in July” — must be Texas born. I’ve discovered that Christmas shopping in July is another good way to find deliverance from smoldering outdoor temperatures.
I can still recall my first few summers after moving to the Lone Star State. My favorite way to chill down was sun bathing on a lounge chair completely surrounded by sprinklers. I set the water pressure where I was constantly getting lightly pebbled with water. We didn’t have central air conditioning back then, and our window unit couldn’t cut the mustard once the century mark was reached. This is when water does the job.
I’ve found that any water will do! Times well-spent in a swimming pool, the ocean, lake, river or water park are other soothing ways to fritter away summertime outdoors.
Tempers seem to be shorter when the thermometer goes up, so summertime also brings the need for more patience and tolerance. Consider the possibility that the driver who just cut you off may be riding in a car with a broken air-conditioner. Or the friend who seemed a bit abrupt over the telephone may have been busy trying to find an electrician to come fix the broken air-conditioning system in her house — sometime before next month. Yes, we could all use more compassion on hot summer days.
So, you’re feeling hot, tired, drained and in need of a break? Simmer down, my friends and refresh yourself. It’s summertime and this requires easy living. There isn’t much that needs to be done that can’t wait for a cooler day to do it. At least this is how I plan to survive the rest of my hot summer days!
Nov 17, 2010 |
by Annette Bridges. ©2010. All rights reserved.
I’ve been proven wrong so many times, you would think I would stop making presumptions.
Presumption has been defined as “an attitude dictated by probability,” “acceptance or belief based on reasonable evidence, assumption or supposition,” or “grounds, reason, or evidence lending probability to belief.” An additional and important part of its definition is that presumptions often become “accepted as true” while yet “not certainly known.”
Undoubtedly, countless myths, bad advice and tall tales have been misleading and misinforming people for years, decades or centuries. When we presume that we know something to be true before we really do, envy, jealousy and false accusation can result. This has been my experience.
Recently, I was surprised — or perhaps shocked is a more accurate word — to learn that someone who I thought was happy, successful and satisfied with his life wasn’t. It turns out that many of the presumptions I held to be true about this person were completely wrong.
So, why the big surprise? The presumptions I believed were not based on personal knowledge or fact but rather assumption and supposition. I’m not so sure that assumption and supposition should ever be grouped in the same category as reasonable evidence, since there is often nothing reasonable about many of the assumptions we make. Or at least my own assumptions are usually lacking reason!
I think the problem is that reason needs the correct premise. Presumptions can be based on a wrong premise, and I think often are. So, no surprise when a wrong conclusion is reached.
Perhaps you’re like me and tired of being wrong so often. It may be time we implement some changes. First, a good dose of humility could be helpful. In order to not be stubbornly certain about something, we can be humble, which can help us remain open-minded, teachable, changeable, flexible and adaptable.
Some presumptions may be based on the old adage — “The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.” This could be when we look at others and think they are happier than we are, which leads us to conclude that surely life is better down the street, next door or across the country.
Such presumptions speak volumes about our own attitudes. Being envious or jealous of others — or simply paying constant attention to what others are doing — does nothing to improve our lives or make our circumstances better. An attitude adjustment may be what’s needed.
I’ve learned that the only way to change my attitude is to improve my understanding of identity and self-image. And that my friends, requires use of spiritual senses!
While our physical senses may see lack and limitation, our spiritual senses tell us God has given us everything we need and that there are infinite opportunities and resources within our grasp. Our spiritual senses affirm that God has endowed us with talents and abilities uniquely ours — that each of His children has an own important mission and purpose.
Our physical senses often focus more on what we don’t have or what can’t be seen. But our spiritual senses enable us to be grateful for what we do have and encourage our hope and expectancy for the possibility of what is yet to come and be experienced. And our spiritual senses promise good.
Finally, another good practice could be to base our judgments and understanding about something or someone more on actually proven or provable facts, rather than presumptions based on mere hearsay, implications or assumptions.
Perhaps we can become a bit like Dragnet’s Joe Friday when he said, “All we want are the facts, ma’am.” Basing opinions and viewpoints on the facts surely will keep us from being wrong so much of the time.
My ultimate plan is to stop assuming and presuming altogether! Making presumptions about others can become a preoccupation that stops us from improving upon our own life journey.
And we do each have our own unique life journey to be about. Yes, these days I feel an incredible freedom now that I’m more focused on my life journey rather than what I presume others are doing or not doing. Something tells me I’m on the right track!
